Once you get there... soak it up.

This weekend I spent a really nice two days with my boyfriend in northern Indiana visiting his mom (and grandma) for a belated Mothers' Day. At first I was sort of hesitant about the timing because I had other things in mind for the holiday weekend, but I know how little time he has to get away, and I know how important it is to ME to get home every once in a while, so I happily packed up and we headed north.

We had been there once before, but only for a few hours one day, so I wasn't able to see much of where he grew up.  This time we were able to see a little more.  He took me to another home he once lived in, where he played and skateboarded with his friends, drove me by his high school and where he bought baseball cards, and on the way out of town we went to his grandparents' grave, something I wasn't sure about at first but that I am so glad I got to do with him.  We were only there for a few minutes, but I will remember it forever. The closeness I felt to him in those moments was immeasurable.  

My boyfriend's mom had to work to support their family, so he would go to his grandparents' house after school nearly every day.  They lived right across the street from the school, so they would help him with his homework, make sure he was staying on track, pretty much an extra set of parents.  He was recently interviewed for a newsletter at his work and it asked, if you could have dinner with anyone, dead or alive, who would it be?  Most of us would pick a celebrity, president, etc.  He answered, my grandparents.  To be able to go to their grave with him was pretty cool for me.  They died within a month of each other, he told me on the way home they were basically inseparable, together all of the time in everything they did.  Died of a broken heart?  Quite possible.  They both passed away in 1993, when he was just 11.  I wish I could have known them.  My boyfriend will turn 30 this year.  They were only in his life for 11 years and they made that much of an impact.  They must have been amazing people.

As you know from reading my blog (and knowing me, as many of you do), you know I have a great relationship with my boyfriend, and I'm head over heels for the guy.  But, this weekend was special.  Sitting around with his mom, sister, aunt, and uncle and hearing stories about him as a kid, seeing his hometown, seeing him as his family does, those who know him best.  It was AWESOME.  I know it's a big relationship step, taking the boy/girlfriend back home, etc.  But when you get there, soak it up.   Don't let a moment pass by without appreciating where you are. 

Looking better = feeling better = dating better

I used to be fat... no, really, I did.  I was about 187 or so at my heaviest, and I'm only 5'4'' so that's pretty big for someone who never really thought she was "obese", but by definition I was... and I will say, it SUCKED.  Being fat is no fun at all.  I was on the edge of no longer fitting into regular stores clothes (I was a 14), the cute styles didn't fit me right, and even my shoes were getting tight... UGH!  My weight gain was gradual, started in college and just kept going.  I'll include a picture later for proof...  And this is rare, because, as most heavy people know, you don't allow a lot of photos to be taken of you.

I mean, here's the thing.  It's not like I was super hideous or anything, like "oh my God look away, your eyes will burn out of the socket."  I'm just sort of setting the scene here... I was not the me I wanted to be.  I knew I was unhappy, but I was in too much of a funk at that point to change my life.  I would work out a few times, 20 minutes on the treadmill, then go eat a cheeseburger from Cheeseburger in Paradise (where I met the loser guy I dated who stole my sweatpants, dubbed appropriately Sweatpants, I'm not even sure my friends know his real name anymore).  I clearly just was not ready.

Perhaps the men I was meeting were a reflection of my unhappiness.  Literally the only men I met were servers at restaurants where I was stuffing my face.  And, I can't believe they were interested.  I was gross.  "Can I get another side of ranch, please?"  Ew. (Oops, I still do that.  Why is it ok for skinny people?  Double standard!  Power to the fat people!)  And I was definitely embarrassed by my body and the way I looked.  I have NEVER been someone who was not confident in myself, my abilities, approaching someone, etc, but I lost a big part of myself when I became ashamed of my weight.

This is my story.  But I think it's so relevant because it seems so many people who are unhappy look to find love to make them happy.  I would not have been prepared to find the love I have found today if I had found it then.  I'm not saying my boyfriend wouldn't have loved me at 187.  I just never would have believed someone so great would love someone as gross on the outside as I felt.  When you limit yourself in that way, you limit love.  We ALL have insecurities, but your mate isn't going to see them in you the way you do.  And the only way to truly allow yourself to love someone else unconditionally is to accept yourself for what you are.  The truth of the matter was, I couldn't do that at 187.  I didn't believe I was that person.  

At the zoo, seeing the elephants, and being one.

After... my body settles at 140, cheeseburgers or salads, workouts or naps

, and I'm ok with it.

So, I got to work on it.  Dropped 45 pounds and wow what a life change it made.  I started being more social all around, wanting to do more things, just in general more comfortable in my own skin.  I dated more, and even ran into Sweatpants and rubbed it in his face a little with how damn good I looked 45 pounds lighter.  When you're happy with yourself, it shines on the outside and people notice.

This doesn't really even have anything to do with weight specifically, that just happens to be my story.  Think of it in any context.  Ladies, when you have on your best outfit, or a new pair of shoes, or you just got your hair done... don't you walk with a little more confidence?  You'd be a little more likely to walk up to that hot guy at the bar, right?  It's just a general idea, looking better makes you feel better which in turn, just makes you more successful in dating.  There is NO QUESTION that a confident woman is a sexy woman and nothing makes a woman feel more confident than looking her best.

So get out there, girls!  Better yourselves, get that mani/pedi before you go out, get your butt on that treadmill, or pick up that new sexy pair of heels you've been eyeing... you can't put a price on confidence!

The "L" word

The "L" word is such a funny thing.  People are SO on edge about it, men and women alike.  I love the excitement surrounding it, sort of, but I also think it's just so crazy how much drama goes into it.  I love love love telling my boyfriend I love him.  I really do feel it every time I say it.  I hate getting into a routine of saying it every time we hang up the phone or say goodbye to eachother, but we sort of did fall into that routine.  I was afraid at first that it would feel TOO routine, like we had to say it, and then if we were in an argument or something, it would hurt that much more that we didn't say it when we hung up or something.  I don't know, as I said before, it's crazy the drama surround the the "L" word.

The even more interesting thing is saying it for the first time.  I think people really get wrapped up in it.  It's definitely an exciting time at the beginning of a relationship, falling in love with someone, starting to get comfortable with someone and learning eachother, etc.  So, how soon is too soon?  And when is the right time?  There really is no right answer for this.  I mean, there REALLY IS no right answer.  I'm going to give you my perspective on it because, quite frankly, this is my blog and that's what I do.  You may or may not agree, but this is my story and my observations combined to form my opinion.

I think women get into relationships thinking, I'm not going to say it until he says it.  And I really think a lot of us want to stick to those guns, and then I think nearly all of us break and say it first.  Which is fine in the end because I ALSO think that more men are afraid of "rejection" than women are in that situation.  I could be wrong, but I think the men are PERFECTLY FINE waiting it out forever if the woman doesn't say it first.  We put too much effort and worry into the wait and we forget to just enjoy the relationship!  Anyone who has been in a relationship for a long time (at just over 8 months, I'm not yet lumping myself into that category...) knows that you do later miss the early parts of the relationship, so why rush that stuff?  The "L" word, the moving in together, the BUYING PETS together (if THIS isn't just the biggest mistake EVER...), I think part of the reason so many relationships, especially marriages, fail can be traced back to the fact that people just simply got caught up in the excitement of a new relationship, did all the exciting stuff first, and completely forgot to really get to know eachother.

There are a few fears about the timing of saying it... saying it too soon can for sure scare a guy off.  I mean, really scare a guy off (or a girl, don't want to be one-sided on this I suppose).  If they don't love you back, or even if they do, they can also give you one of those awkward replies, "thank you" or "I like you" or just a silent smile... I really cannot give any advice on this because my best advice is to wait until they say it first, but if I'm giving that advice to everyone, there would be no more first "L" words in the world.  Everyone would be in an "L" word stand-off forever.  I think sometimes, though, you say it to someone, and then look back and realize it wasn't really love and in those instances, you really wish you would have waited.  It's not so much that there should be rules on telling someone you love them, we should be able to just tell someone when we feel it, but for so many reasons, that just never seems to work out well, blurting out "I LOVE YOU!" to someone when they aren't expecting it. 

Also, just as a side note, please don't ever do one of those casual I love yous when you guys are, say, laughing about something, or whatever you're doing.  I hate that!  Then it's confusing, did it slip out?  Did you really mean it, like, LOVE?  Or are you just saying it like, you love your buddies, like "I love you man?"  It's confusing.  Trying to be all cool about it is so wrong.  I had a friend whose guy did that and I was like... wow, DICK MOVE.  Because then she didn't know what to do!  AWKWARD.

I can't say I'm perfect regarding this and following my own advice, either.  I think my boyfriend and I are guilty of the "L" word after about 3 and a half months.  Now, we definitely did have a bit of a whirlwind relationship in the beginning, spending day after day with eachother, the personal situations that were going on in our lives that I think brought us closer together quicker, and just the general complete honesty we have with eachother, about everything. I was TOTALLY that girl that said I wouldn't say it until he did, and then said it first, but, then later asked him if I hadn't said it, how long would it have been before he said it and he said probably a long time!  So... I think I was right.  We had this joke, he would always say, "I kinda like you, babe..." and I would jokingly pout, "just kinda?"  And he'd sorta say, "Yeah, I guess," with a smile.  One night (pre-"L"-word) I left my phone at his house and I realized it as soon as I got home.  I had no way to contact him but thru Facebook and he didn't even realize I had left if there until the next morning when my phone alarms started going off.  He took it to work, charged it for me while he was there, and met me over lunch downtown to return it to me.  He changed my background to this:

 

A sticky note he had written to me... Usually the "kinda like you" thing would bum me out, but this time I loved it.  It wasn't the words, it was the actions.  Eventually, I said it, and he said it back, and it was just perfect, but it's one of those things, there is no right answer...

Chicks who date douchebags (I told you it was coming)

Ladies, we've all done it.  He's hot, so you've gotta have him, right?  Or... he's SO hot that even if he's not perfect, it's justified?

Everyone's perfect Mimbo is just around the corner, but he is just eye candy.  There is nothing under the surface, or maybe what is under the surface is ugly.  It's like any doll when you're a kid, fun to play with but after a while, it just ends up at the bottom of the toy box unable to express emotion with a head that spins all the way around.

I dated an artsy Mimbo for several years.  Very pretty man.  Too pretty.  It got weird.  I don't have a need to be the better looking one in the relationship or anything, but I gained some weight in college and I began to think people would look at us like why the bleep is that hot Mimbo with that chunky girl.  Anddddd then he cheated on me.  So perhaps I wasn't that far off, and you do have to be on a somewhat level playing field.  Regardless, I'm not saying a Mimbo isn't fun.  They definitely can be, and can pass the time while waiting for Mr. Right, but I'm not really a fan of this practice.  A good guy seeing you with a Mimbo can really lower your attractiveness.  "What does she see in a douche like that?"  I guess I don't know if guys really think that, but I KNOW women do.  A guy loses value if he's with a total bimbo.  We want a guy who craves a woman with substance.  So, seeing a guy who clearly doesn't give a flying F about substance makes us wonder if he won't just up & leave a girl WITH said substance for the next floozy with a big fake rack and nipple clamps (I don't know why those came to mind.  Now I'm sort of intrigued, and grossed out all at once).

More often than anything with the situation of chicks who date douchebags, I see the girl with the guy who doesn't give a crap about HER, but she still sticks around.  The guy who is just a jerkface loser, going nowhere in life, but the girl is infatuated with him because they either were together in college or high school, or she doesn't think she can do better, or it's comfortable, or for God knows WHAT reason, she just sticks it out even though the relationship is sort of a joke.  He probably steps out on her, and all his friends, and most of her friends know it... her girlfriends try to tell her but she insists things are fine.  His guy friends are like, "where can we find more girls like your girlfriend?" thereby creating an environment of acceptance that it's not only OK, but desirable to treat your girlfriend like crap and get away with it.  WHY does this girl hang around?  Well... for a lot of the reasons I said above.

First, the girl who has been with her guy since high school, or college, or whatever.  Just close your eyes for a second and think about yourself in high school, or even college.  How different are you now?  Pretty damn different.  I don't want hardly any of the same things in a mate that I did back then.  If I married the guy I was dating in high school or college, I'd be pretty miserable now.  (Don't misquote me here, I'm not saying those relationships can't work!!!)  My life goals, relationship goals, financial, work, and personal goals are ALL different.  Typically this relationship of complacent girlfriend and douchebag boyfriend from high school/college consists of a girl who might have had dreams at one point, but put them on hold because she's "happy" with her guy who would rather play video games and get wasted with all the same buddies he's had since childhood, who are also douchebags.  She'll never escape because she has no backbone, and he won't ever leave because he knows how good he has it.  He might be a douchebag, but he's not a moron (the definition is slightly different, you see).


Then there's the girl who doesn't think she can do better.  She's probably with the class of douchebag who talks down to her, doesn't treat her special EVER, and doesn't allow her to do X, Y, and Z.  She might have been with a douchebag before who treated her like this and now she just flocks to controlling douchebags, but whatever the case may be, she just can't seem to shake them.  I feel bad for these girls, I really do.  I haven't always been the most beautiful girl in the room, and never will be, but I have always been a confident person, at least in myself.  I know when I'm not being treated right and I'M OUT.  These girls either don't see it or don't care... I just don't know.  It's frustrating and sad to see though.  My only hope is that these women can meet a good man one day who will make them feel beautiful and change their opinions of themselves... but really, that's an internal thing and I don't know that it will ever be better.  Douchebags of the world will probably always be able to pray on these ones.


There is also the girl who is afraid to be alone.  For the record, this might be the most dangerous kind.  There is an absolute PLETHORA of douchey dudes out there.  They are a dime a dozen, no doubt.  Any lonely girl out there can have a douchebag on her arm if she wants one.  These girls will date just about anybody, and hang onto them WAY past their relationship expiration date and against all advice of their friends, just because they are afraid of being alone.  This girl may also suffer from a fear of not thinking she can find anything better, but they ARE separate symptoms.  I am always scared for these girls because they just constantly sell themselves SO short.  They come off as so desperate ("desperate" to a guy translates to "crazy", so... you cray), everyone can see it but they have no control, like they just CANNOT let go.  It's really bizarre.  But the worst part is, once they get free of the douchebag they are dating... there is another one right around the corner to cure their 2-hour-old loneliness.  Independence, my ladies!

This really doesn't even scratch the surface.  And it doesn't REALLY explain WHY they are with these douchebags either, but hey, the title of this isn't "WHY chicks date douchebags"... and besides, what would I know, I'm not dating a douchebag and I can spot one a pair-of-lenseless-glasses and hat-off-to-the-side away.


If you need to up your Douchebag game (or just want a good idea for a Halloween costume), check out this link.  How to be a Douchebag

Breakups... who gets WHO? Relationship politics.

I've only been in two serious relationships before my current one, so I haven't had a TON of experience with actual breakups, but I've been on the outside of a lot of them, which I think gives me the proper education and experience to write on the subject. 

Having to choose between the parties after a breakup sucks.  But, it's a fact of life.  I'm appalled at how unfamiliar people are with the process of a breakup.  Just a few simple rules to follow that apply to nearly all breakup scenarios...

1.  If you were friends with the girl before the relationship started, and they breakup, you remain friends with the girl and... sorry, you, too, breakup with the guy (or vice versa).  Pretty straight forward.

2.  If you were part of the relationship, you can't really be super close with the family anymore.  This also includes his friends, pets, co-workers, and belongings.  Just not appropriate, especially after your ex gets a new significant other.  Which will happen, even though we BOTH know they suck at life and don't deserve happiness. 

I'm absolutely not saying there aren't exceptions.  I'm just saying, this is the general way it works.  People are so clueless to this.  I still have some friends and family who talk to my ex all the time like it's no big deal.  Guess what, you failed at breakup school.  You're on my team, remember?  (And not that we're keeping score, but... we are, and my team definitely won that breakup, so... you want to be on my team anyway.)  Telling him they miss him, wishing him a happy birthday... hey, guys, I'm here, and I see it.  It feels like crap when you do that!  Just saying.

It definitely gets sticky if you were EQUAL friends with both of them, or if your friend is the one who went bananas which caused the breakup, or if you are married/in a relationship and the guys are friends and the girls are friends, etc.  I am not saying it's black & white every single time.  But when it can be, it should be!  Girls are PRETTY good at getting this right, especially with their own girlfriends.  Most of the time it's the guys who are clueless.  I know a guy who his friends not only hang out with the ex on occasion (not only is she NOT their original friend but she caused the breakup), but he even has a friend who hooked up with and dated that same ex.  WHAT?  Against all rules completely.  Clearly not a real friend and DEFINITELY clueless to the bro code.

When I refer to "sides", I'm not talking about who is right and who is wrong.  Your girlfriend could be TOTALLY wrong!  I had a friend who had an affair and split up her marriage. (Not saying there weren't other factors, but that was pretty much the nail in the coffin I would say)  But... guess what, she's still my friend.  Her ex-husband is a sweet guy and I like him, but she was my friend first.  Still is my friend!  If I was choosing sides on right and wrong, it might be different, but I'm not here to pass judgment, I'm here to be a friend during and through a breakup.  People are generally hard enough on themselves anyway.  I don't call up the ex and say, hey, how are you, wanna hang out?  I call my friend and ask her those things.  SHE is my side!

The thing about it is, breakups SUCK.  Nobody likes them, everybody knows they are horrible, some people are afraid to even get into relationships because of how horrible a future breakup COULD be.  Your friends and family are what usually help you the most after your breakup.  Why in the world would you want to make it worse by being wishy washy?  Don't make a bad situation worse.  Yeah, some of my friends ex's I really liked.  And I still think, man they were a lot of fun.  My ex's families?  Heck yeah, loved them.  Still love them.  But it's not my place to call them up and be like, "let's have a girls weekend!"  I would love to do that, but we've all moved on, because that's the breakup circle of life.  You choose your side and you stick with it. They have their family, I have mine.  If my ex wants to disown his family, I'll take them :)  But... sadly, they are his.  And I have to accept that, because... WE BROKE UP.

Ode to Mascara... and a few other faves

I have always been a big fan of makeup.  In our house growing up, we didn't have rules on how old you had to be to wear makeup, so I started playing with it at a young age.  I have also been blessed with long eyelashes, in fact my boss at Victoria's Secret in college used to call me Lashes (Drea, loved her).  So, one of my favorite products in the world is... Mascara.  To the ladies out there who don't wear any makeup at all, I get it, you like low maintenance, quick, out the door.  But, I personally feel like that is no excuse.  Unless you wake up and leave your house within 3 minutes, you have time to freshen up your face, at least enough to not frighten small children.  A quick swipe of blush (it is NOT for old ladies!), mascara, and lip gloss and you are out the door, that honestly should take you less than a minute.  NO EXCUSES LADIES!

I wouldn't consider myself an expert on how to DO makeup, I just have always loved it.  I have done my friends makeup here & there for events and stuff, but nothing too fancy, I would definitely NOT trust myself to do it for anything too serious, go to a professional, I am not one... but, I think the most important thing that gave me a knack for it and maybe makes it appear that I am better skilled than I am... is that I am not afraid to try something new!  Green smoky eyes?  Sure.  Dramatic neons?  Why not.  I mean, it washes off in two seconds, so what the heck.  If I don't like it, I can always just go back to my classic purple or brown in a hot second, so why not try it?  I found a few things I liked just by playing around on a night when I wasn't going anywhere,  just wanted to get a little creative.

I am kind of rare though being a makeup whore... I buy cheap makeup.  Not like, Bonne Bell or anything, but I'm talking drug store makeup.  I'm all about CoverGirl, Revlon, Rimmel, etc.  I think when you try so many looks, you either have to buy a HUGE pallet and use a different one everyday so you use it down evenly, or you have to just buy cheap and make it look good.  I don't skimp on skinCARE, but makeup, I mean, whatever.  I use my fingers to apply most of it, no fancy sponges and not a lot of brushes, and I change it often. 

Just like in clothing, I don't like to be matchy-matchy with my makeup, matching it to my outfit exactly... if I'm wearing a blue outfit, I might do green eyes or something, but I hate blue on blue, etc.  I mean, it's fine if that's just what you wear everyday and then you throw on a blue top, but if everyday you wear a different colored shirt and then you match your eye makeup to it... cheesy (IMO).  Be more creative!  My latest favorite was sort of a seafoam green shadow with navy liner, and I got three compliments on my eye makeup in one day.  Some of my favorite products are featured below.

1.  CoverGirl Last Blast Volume Mascara

If you learn ANYTHING from this at all, learn this: this is THE best mascara EVER.  Just make sure you get the original, in the orange tube, and NOT waterproof... this mascara is BY FAR the best I have ever used, better than any expensive designer brand out there.  I can guarantee it.  I have so many friends and family members using it, we nearly have to label our tubes to keep track of them.  Only con: you run out of it faster than some others, it does dry up somewhat quickly.  Mascara tip, better believe I am cheap and add a drop of water to my tube when it gets super dry.  It does work one time!  The upside on that con though, it's less than $10 for a tube (I've seen it for $6 at Family Dollar, hell yeah!), which is way better than some of you pay for that garbage at the department stores that doesn't work HALF as good as this stuff.

 

2.  Rimmel Soft Kohl Kajal Eye Liner Pencil

This stuff can sometimes be hard to find in the stores, maybe it's just hard to find my color.  I am obsessed with eggplant colored eyeliner and this one has a really good deep purple eggplant color, called Purple Passion.  Funny how common you think that should be, but it really isn't.  I found this one on a hunt and I've been hooked since.  It stays on for a long time, is reasonably inexpensive, especially since it's "drug store makeup", and it doesn't rip your eyelid as you run it across.  I have three of these I've sharpened down to nubs in my makeup bag, but they are somewhat hard to find so I keep hanging onto them until they are totally gone!  I have it in white, too, for the inner corners of the eyes and under the brow... I just like the way this stuff feels, for an inexpensive liner.

 

3. Revlon Diamond Lust Shadow

These are my recent favorite, I think they are fairly new, because I haven't seen them before.  I've used Revlon shadow for a long time, I really like it, but I haven't seen these before.  They have a lot of glitter-looking stuff in them, which scared me at first, but the nice thing is... if you use the applicator to apply it, the glitter doesn't really get on your lid as much, but if you use your finger, the glitter is more noticeable, so you can sort of apply it two ways.  I use this when I want to apply it to my whole lid for that dramatic, all-over shadow look, but you can obviously wear it for any occasion!  It comes in five colors, but I really like Neptune Star, it's sort of a dark teal color.  Really pretty!

4.  Physicians Formula Baked Bronzer in Baked Tan

This is BY FAR the best bronzer I have ever used.  Costs me like $15 at CVS but it's well worth it.  Looks like you can get it for $12 on their website.  It does last me quite a long time, so it is worth $15 anyway.  It's not orangey looking (make sure you get it in the Baked TAN shade, not Baked BRONZE, or it will be orangey) and use it everywhere, it works on the bod too and since it has a very slight shimmer in it, it makes your skin look great!  I wear this stuff everyday, all seasons.

5.  Victoria's Secret Beauty Rush Lip Gloss

Now, this is my personal preference, every store has it's own gloss and I haven't tried them all, although I have tried quite a few.  I have loved a lot of glosses in my day, but I haven't switched off this one in a long time, probably 4 years or so!  I did recently fall for the Pure Romance Kiss & Tell gloss, but the tube was like $14 and lasted me about 2 weeks... so, back to the old tried & true.  Again, personal preference I use the shade Grapefruit Blast because it's really light, not much tint to it but a little bit, tastes delicious, just a little shine, and you can still glam up your eyes and wear it appropriately.  It's only $7 (or 2 for $12 or 4 for $20!) and it lasts quite a while, even for TOTAL gloss addicts like me.  No complaints from boyfriend, even when it ends up on his cheek or lips, it's totally clear!  Just leaves a shiny lip print :)

Please give me your feedback!  Did you try any of these products?  What do you think?  Got anything you like better??  Let me know!  I LOVE makeup, if it's cheap, I'm down to try it!

First date etiquette, Part 2

So now you've arrived at your date, you've ordered a drink, you're chatting, enjoying yourself (or not), what now?  Oh, young one, so much more to learn.

Rule #4... Don't talk about yourself too much.  And this one is just so obvious and so cliche, but you'd be surprised how easy it is to break it when you get uncomfortable and nervous and you run out of things to say... you just randomly start telling stories about work or you and your friends drinking too much, or your CAT (yikes), whatever comes to mind.  Stay calm, if you've read this, you've done your homework, and your homework is the following.  Allow the date to take a natural progression, but go in with four or five easy topic starting questions.  These questions can't be too crazy (If you could be any animal, what would you be and why?  WHAT?), but they can't be too basic either (Where are you from?  Oh, wait, you told me that an hour ago...).  I always like to go with a few of the following...
1.  "Did you play any sports in high school?" -- if they did, work off that.  You can talk about what position they played, how long they played, if they grew up playing that, if they ever dreamed of being a professional curler/bowler/lacrosse player or whatever their sport may be...
2.  "It's been so long since I've seen a good show, have you been to any good concerts lately?" -- if no, "what was the last concert you've been to?" or "what was your favorite concert you've ever been to?" -- it's a better question than, "so what type of music do you like?"...I hate that question, it's so cold and icy.  Feels like an interview or a speed date.  Weird!
3.  "So have you see the Avengers yet?  I've been meaning to go see it, I just haven't had time." -- if yes, he'll usually give you some insight about what it was like, so you'll get to hear him describe something in detail which for a GUY to give DETAILS... pretty good, we all know men are not stereotypically known as the detail sex.  It will give you some hint as to whether he's a movie buff or not, what he liked about it can give you an idea of what type of movies he likes.  If he DIDN'T like it, you can ask him, so what type of movies DO you like then?  Perfectly appropriate follow up!  If he hasn't seen it yet (and this is key!), the follow up to that is clearly, "we both haven't seen it, let's go this weekend!"
4.  "Have you been to that new restaurant, _______?  I hear it's really good." Same concept as above.  All the same follow up strategies.  The key HERE is that you don't use both of these too close together.  Use one of them only, or if you use both, make sure you use them far, far apart or it will seem like you're just drilling him about his recent whereabouts.  And once again, this is great for setting up a second date...
5.   "If you could work somewhere forever and not have to worry about money, I'm guessing it's not where you work now, right?  What would you do?"  -- I absolutely LOVE this question.  I ask this even when I'm not having conversation lulls.  This will tell you where their passion lies.  I went on dates with unmotivated guy after passionless guy until I just couldn't take it anymore.  What is their passion?  What do they absolutely LOVE?  If this doesn't get them really talking, absolutely nothing will. 

Rule #5... Avoid certain topics in conversation.  Unless directed toward certain topics, you really should not bring them up.  Just about the worst question I've ever been asked on a date is, "are you close with your parents?"  OK.  The answer to that is a resounding YES, however, what if the answer is NO?  Do you want to open that can of worms on the first date?  WEIRD!  I don't even really ask if they have any brothers & sisters.  You just never know.  A sibling in jail or recently dead, I mean what the heck!  There is possible baggage bullets left and right.  If they bring it up, fine, they're clearly ok spilling guts on date one, but I'm not workin it out of them... no thank you.  Say, for example, you go on a date with someone who you realize by the end of the date, you never want to see again... but throughout the date, you told them you used to have an eating disorder, and that your brother is in rehab (that is nobody I know, I just made that up, for the record)?  What a waste of a venting sesh.  You just spilled to this total STRANGER.  Weird!  Just avoid personal things like that.  It's not worth it.  I would say family, sex, bars/drinking excessively, religion... generally off limits, unless you work in one of those industries.

Rule #6... EYE CONTACT!!!  I really cannot stress this one enough.  Most likely you will be going to a place that is pretty public, there will be people walking by your table, other people eating/drinking, possibly TVs on, etc.  You are there for one reason; to get to know the person in front of you who, for all you know, could be THE ONE! (Insert "AWWWWWW" here).  I judge their eye contact, too.  My friend told me she went on a date with a guy who would absolutely NOT stop watching a game on the TVs and was incredibly rude to her, then didn't understand why she didn't want to see him again.  Uhhhh come on fella.  And how many of us have caught our dates checking out other people WHILE we're on a date?  I'm not unrealistic, I'm not the most beautiful woman on earth, there will be ladies my man will want to eye from time to time.  However, when you're trying to get to know someone, and you're sitting there face to face trying to learn about them... can you focus for like, two hours please??  If not... see ya.  Put your phone AWAY and the sound OFF, focus on the person you're with, avoid distractions, and give it the ol' college try to get to know them.

Rule #7... Don't try to test them.  I hate how people think, "well, if I tell them this stuff right away, and it doesn't scare them off, then they must be able to handle me."  Uh, no, quite frankly, I think anyone willing to spill personal beans to a perfect stranger is a freak, no matter how bad or good those personal beans may be.  I love my boyfriend, but he told me a lot on our first date.  Thankfully, since we were already Facebook friends (I know, I broke my own rule, but if you read What a Mighty Good Man, you'll know why, and btw for a treat, our FB convo, LOL!  I'm such a schmoozer)...

so I already knew part of it, and I wasn't too scared off.  But seriously, that whole thing like, "I just want to be upfront with you about my situation," unless your situation is that you're married and shouldn't be on the date in the first place... NO need to unleash the skeletons just yet.  As I said in Rule #5, do you even like this person yet?  Make sure they're worth it first.  Date 3 is when you can start sharing some details about some of the personal things that are going on.  I don't think you need to tell them you're divorced, and quite frankly, I don't think you have to tell them you're a parent!  You don't really know you like someone until a few dates in.  And you aren't invested yet, so they can still walk away at that point if they're deal breakers.  Give it enough time to decide if their character is worth it enough to tell them those private things about your life.  

WHEW, hope you've learned something.  Part 2, in the books.

The funny thing about Facebook...

Wow, I mean, this entry is basically 10 in 1.  The way facebook, social media, google, and the internet in general have changed dating today... it's a 180 from just a decade ago to now.  I can't say I am not guilty of facebooking or googling my dates, and frankly, I think you're stupid if you don't.  Yup, I said it.  You better check that crap out, and quick.  I mean, what if he's wearing a TapOut shirt in his profile picture, for goodness sake?  Get out, now!

On the flip side, you know he's probably looking you up... Nobody puts up a picture of themselves when they first wake up in the morning, but you also don't want a picture of yourself from like Prom 2000...  Even worse, is it a picture of you with "duck face"?  Yeah, you know the one.  Don't do it.  Unless you really are a duck, and look like this.  If so, wow, I'm really sorry.  Hope you find your duckmate.

Be realistic, you're both checking eachother out, so what do you want him to see?  You aren't allowed to judge if you have anything worth judging yourself.  Private your shit, do it.

The whole point of a first date, as I explained in First date etiquette, Part 1, is to GET TO KNOW EACHOTHER!  If you give it all away via Facebook before he even gets there... what's to talk about.  And you, yourself, need to be careful of revealing that you have cyberstalked him prior to your date.  Did he tell you where he worked before this date, or did you find it on Facebook?  If he didn't tell you, better not bring it up... 

I also have a rule re friending/following on Twitter/Facebook and all of those other sites.  Only ONE time have I ever "friended" someone prior to a date, and it was because they lived out of state... sort of an odd situation, so it was an easy way for us to get to know eachother, aside from a lot of phone conversations... But if you CAN go on actual dates, there is no reason you should be friending eachother on Facebook prior to FIVE dates.  YES!  The Facebook Five!  I would go even farther than that, and say 10, but some people can't resist.  I would absolutely hold out for 10 dates, or as long as you possibly can.  Because you know your assface friends are all over your Facebook wall, "So excited for your date tonight, ooooh, good luck!" and, "How did it go???"  

Not to mention, a persons Facebook is like their alter-ego.  It might tell you a lot about them in some ways, but it just doesn't give you the whole story.  Don't judge a ho/bro by their Facebook.  But more importantly, just don't give anybody a chance to judge YOU before they know you.  Dating has become so sickeningly impersonal today.  Yes, face to face dating is somewhat uncomfortable at times.  You can't hide behind your iphone or your computer.  But that's just what makes it so great.  You get to learn their mannerisms, the way their humor really comes across, you get to see how a person treats wait staff at restaurants (this is a big thing for me, I don't know why, but guys who are jerks to servers=HUGE turnoff), there is so much to be said about personal contact.

Have you ever been cyberstalking someone, and accidentally "liked" a post?  I mean, sure, you can "unlike" it, but... the damage is done.  Notification: sent.  You're screwed.  Lesson learned?  Maybe.  Maybe not.  I have a friend who was stalking the ex-girlfriend of an ass of a man she was dating, just to see what kind of girl she was, and she "liked" one of her pictures.  Way to go, creep!  This was about two years ago.  Last week, she told me she "accidentally" came across her ex-boyfriends (a different one) wedding website on his fiance's Facebook.  Hm, but they're not friends... she didn't learn.  But, you should.  I "poked" a guy on Facebook last year.  Who "pokes" anymore???  Embarrassing.  We ended up going on a HORRIBLE date after that.  And then he wouldn't leave me alone for months.  Lesson LEARNED.

Facebook is great, I'm a HUGE social media fan, but it can get you in a lot of trouble.  Dating is personal!  You can do a quick glance to be sure he isn't, you know, wearing an Ohio State t-shirt in his profile picture (EW BUCKEYES!), but beyond that... give him a chance to TELL you what he's all about, and you do the same.

What a man, what a mighty good man... (my ONE sappy entry, for backgrounds sake, sorry)

I'm the first to say, I was becoming a bit skeptical that there were good men in the world.  And not just good men that were honest and treated women right (well, ok, that was a bit lacking in most men I knew), but also men who frickin knew how to take care of themselves.  My GOD, is EVERY man today a man-child?  It is just unbelievable.  I had not dated a guy who...

a. could hold down a steady job

b. knew how to take a woman on a legitimate adult date

c. could go out with his friends without getting another girls' number

d. owned a car/home/pet/anything (in his own name...) that was worth more than $10 that he was responsible for

...in all 5 years I was dating.  PATHETIC!  What is going ON out there today?  I'm not guy bashing, clearly I know they are out there as I eventually DID find one, but it was just becoming depressing.  After a while when people would ask me what I would look for in a man, my tag like became, "a man who PAYS his BILLS!"  Low standards, to some, but wow.  It's rough out there.

Moms out there... do your sons a service, raise them to take care of themselves, teach them responsibility, do not make them mommas boys.  No women will want them.  I don't blame these men!  I blame their mothers!  My boyfriend's mom was working for most of his growing up years, so he really had no choice but to learn on his own how to take care of himself.  I believe he is the (amazing!) man he is today because of that.  

I still think the way we started dating is funny, but cute, because it really was innocent, and just blossomed into something without any original expectations of such.  I messaged him on facebook for free cover into his club, and he messaged me back with his phone number, neither of us had any inkling of anything.  I was just using him for free cover, and I'm sure he assumed such and didn't care.  Casual "hi"s and thank yous at the club after free cover was given (my friend and I, "Hm, new DJ is kinda cute!"), until more conversations started.  A friend and I had our birthdays in the little nook right behind his DJ booth a few months later and I sent him a flirty note which he claims he did not catch onto as flirting (I was drunk, perhaps off my flirting game)... followed a few weeks later by a full evening of texting while I traveled to Michigan for a weekend. We set up a date for that following Monday when I got back (drinks, at 9 pm, and I drove myself, of course!  Reference prior blog entry...) and the rest is history :) 10 straight days of dates without skipping a beat, we were smitten.

What a difference it makes, meeting that one person who changes your mind about love and relationships and all of that mushy stuff.  My friends would comment on how he "softened" me, and I agree.  The saying, you have to kiss a lot of frogs to find your prince... definitely true.  I've found mine :)  This man owns a house, a car, pays his bills, doesn't need me to take care of him, but still asks my opinion on things and respects me, can take me out to a nice dinner, holds down a steady job (two in fact), is one of the hardest workers I know, tells me I am beautiful EVERY day, has two pups he takes amazing care of, and loves me explicitly, doesn't disrespect me even though he works in a dance club... which, yeah, not ideal, but when you trust your guy like I do, you sleep OK at night.

We were both cheated on in our past relationships, so it was pretty easy to say if you cheat, I'm out, on both ends.  It's a horrible feeling, especially when you love someone so much.  I know relationships survive it, but when two people come together as broken as we had both been previously, you just have to make those decisions.  Commit or get out.  I know it's important to him so I have no suspicions.  Doesn't mean the girls who try aren't going to feel my wrath... MINE MINE MINE! :)  It took me 5 and a half years to find him... you'll have to be a MUCH better bitch than that to take him from me. :)

The moral of this story... hang in there.  There ARE still good ones out there, they are just buried under a hot mess pile of manchildren.

Men who love bitchy women

For as long as I live, I will never understand this.  If there are any men out there who give this a read who can make any sense of this, please, shed some light.  I think a bitchy woman should be just about THE biggest turn off to a guy.  However, in my single-experience, I would meet nice guy after nice guy in all kinds of situations who would end up being attached to THE most bitchy chicks I've ever seen.  What is the deal?  The guys were all different, too, nice guys, douchebags, jocks, wimps, nerds, all across the board.  It seems like a bitchy woman is a universally attractive trait to many men.

I will say this, I think they date the bitchy women, but they don't marry them.  It's much more rare that they end up with them in the end.  It isn't as common that I've met a lot of married couples with bitchy wives as it is boyfriend/girlfriend couples, but don't get me wrong, it's still an epidemic, and it must be exposed.

In my opinion, if you're a bitchy chick, you will get nothing but losers in return.  Men treat you like crap because if they waste their time on treating you nice, they just get treated like crap in return anyway, so what is the point.  You will never get pampered and spoiled the way the nice girls do.  Not to mention, the guy selection just gets worse as your reputation does.  Once your ex is able to escape your claws, all his buddies know what you're like, and his buddies know, and his buddies know.  Nobody wins.  You might as well move to a new state, spread your bitch seed somewhere new.  There will always be hungry soil.

But no matter how much I believe this to be true, I can leave here tonight, go out, and see a bitchy girl with a guy who deserves better.  What gives, men?  There are good girls out there.  Are the bitchy ones more aggressive, and you're too lazy to look any further?  Are ALL of them just THAT much better in bed?  There must be a reason.

Don't worry fellas, a response post re: why hot chicks love DOUCHEBAGS will soon follow.  We are equally guilty of that offense.

Shopping with your significant other

I find the above described act to be a very strange one... and I'm not talking about grocery shopping or furniture shopping... I'm talking about shopping for a new outfit, or shoes.  There are a few exceptions to the rule.  When men who are fashionably challenged (most men) take their women with them for help or when the men are spoiling their women with a shopping trip for a new outfit or something (props to you men, you definitely know the quickest way to get her to sleep with you and that is probably it), but I would say 80-90% of the time, this is a bad idea.  The last time I went with my boyfriend to the mall, he ended up sitting in one of the "rest" areas in the middle playing on his phone for an hour, thinking about all the other things he could be doing.  If they are helping you pick out clothes and wandering through rack after rack with you, they are either gay, or... well, they're probably gay.  I know the feeling of wanting to take my boyfriend with me to the mall, I ALWAYS want him to tell me, yeah I like that dress, or, naw, it's not my favorite (guys, go with this line, "I like the blue one you had on the other night better than that one, you looked really good in that"... shows you noticed what she was wearing and it avoids saying her fat is hanging over the sides, when it probably is), but the truth is, he would be so tortured in the store, he would tell me I looked perfect in anything just to get the hell out of the store.

So ladies, do your men a favor, and men, do your ladies a favor... shop separately.  My favorite thing is to take a picture of myself in an outfit in the fitting room mirror and send it to my boyfriend and ask him his opinion.  I almost always get a, "I like it!", but that's just because he's a smitten idiot, and probably a good liar too :)

First date etiquette, Part 1

First date etiquette has always been a hot topic of conversation... let me start by saying, I have been on a lot of first dates.  In my 5+ years of adult single life, I had a lot of first dates.  I did not have a lot of second dates.  Mostly, I went on a lot of first dates with losers and men with whom I had no business dating, but part of the time their first date etiquette was just so poor I just didn't want to have to stomach their second date etiquette. 

Let me lay down a few ground rules for you clueless daters out there, a few key pointers to follow when thinking about a first date... 

Rule #1... Never let a guy pick you up at your home or work for a date.  No matter how or where you meet (and truly no judgment either, I met my beau in a bar...), the mode of transportation to your first date should be your own.  Taxi, your own vehicle, your friend, your mom or dad, whatever... don't allow yourself to be stuck with no way out.  And I know people say, I have cash, I can take a taxi if it doesn't work out once we get there, blah blah... but when it comes down to it, it's just plain awkward to say, I know you drove me here, but I'm going to opt out on the way home, thanks... it's a clear slap in the face.  Not to mention, if they pick you up, and it goes horribly wrong, guess what?  They know where you live.  They've seen the inside of your house, personal photos, where you sit on lonely Friday nights when you DON'T have dates with losers like this one and watch Matthew McConaughey movie marathons... (OK, even women with boyfriends and husbands do this!) Just agree to meet somewhere.  And... don't be late.  5 minutes max, but don't be rude.

Rule #2... Always meet for DRINKS ONLY on the first date.  If you don't drink, make it dessert.  And make it later, after dinner.  8:30, 9:00 is perfect.  Don't pick a loud place, but don't pick a super romantic place either.  A first date is all about talking.  It's awkward, yes, but it's necessary.  We all had a first date with our significant other at some point, or something we can consider a first date.  If the date sucks, it's late enough to make a believable excuse that you have an early meeting.  And then you have your own transportation to hightail it out to your local bar where you and your girls can throw back a few kamikazes and laugh at your date's horrible nose hairs or TMI first-date sex confessions  (oh, we'll get there).  Dinner is a killer on a first date.  Trying to decide where to go, what food you like, what food they like, don't like, judging eachothers' eating habits, gauging how to talk while still eating, women who order SALADS (UGH, I despise you women... unless you really do just like salads, in which case I still somewhat despise you).  It spells disaster, any way you slice it.  Drinks or dessert, late.

Rule #3... And Patti Stanger might be listening in... watch your drinking.  If you're out for drinks, and the date is going WELL, you will have a tendency to have too much.  First dates that go well have some sort of magical spell over women.  Men think about sex ALL the time, women need some sort of spark or something (well, many of us anyway).  So, when the drinks are flowin and we're excited about the prospect in front of us, things can get a little out of hand... keep it casual, REALLY get to know the person.  You don't have to be a Boring Betty, but just don't get white-girl-wasted and embarrass yourself.  That type of behavior is not appropriate for date one... I really believe that.  Besides, you probably didn't eat dinner, even though it's an "after dinner" date, because you wanted to fit into those new skinny jeans, or that sexy little dress you bought specifically for this date... so you're drinking on an empty stomach... you skanky little fish.  The men will usually follow the women's lead, and vice versa, so once you've had two large drinks, or three small (or whatever depending on your limits), cut it off.  Pop a piece of gum, ask him if he wants one.  He'll take it as a sign you want a kiss later (bonus!), you'll both have fresh breath for it, AND you'll be sober enough to remember if it was good or not (also, a key thing to find out on a first date)!

Is your brain just expanding with all this knowledge yet?  Hopefully these tips aren't too new to you... we'll get into the juicy stuff later.  For now, think back on all the times you DIDN'T follow these rules, and how horribly wrong it went... yeah.  I thought so.

Welcome

So, my blogging days begin.  I've always been a bit of a wordsmith, but never with a pen and paper or in type.  I've just always been a talker.  It's gotten me in trouble on countless occasions and gotten me out of trouble on countless more.  But I would also like to think it's also helped out many of my friends.  People who have come to me for advice and then said, hey, you're pretty smart about this stuff... and you know?  I agree.  Somehow, love took a long time to find me, but thru the waiting game I played, I became a bit of an expert.  The games, wins, losses, tie-breakers, buzzer beaters, whatever you want to call the rest of them... I learned a lot and what kind of selfish human would I be if I didn't share it with the masses?  Women and men alike can learn a lot from my mistakes, and my friends' mistakes... mostly my friends'.  But this blog isn't just about learning from mistakes, it's about love, dating, relationships, sex, and finding "the one"... (YES I believe in that concept) I think there is a righteous lack of information in the world about modern dating, dos and don'ts, and how most women "our" age want to be treated.  If you're anything like me, you might just find yourself nodding along and shouting, "YES!"  And I hope you do... Enjoy. :)