I've only been in two serious relationships before my current one, so I haven't had a TON of experience with actual breakups, but I've been on the outside of a lot of them, which I think gives me the proper education and experience to write on the subject.
Having to choose between the parties after a breakup sucks. But, it's a fact of life. I'm appalled at how unfamiliar people are with the process of a breakup. Just a few simple rules to follow that apply to nearly all breakup scenarios...
1. If you were friends with the girl before the relationship started, and they breakup, you remain friends with the girl and... sorry, you, too, breakup with the guy (or vice versa). Pretty straight forward.
2. If you were part of the relationship, you can't really be super close with the family anymore. This also includes his friends, pets, co-workers, and belongings. Just not appropriate, especially after your ex gets a new significant other. Which will happen, even though we BOTH know they suck at life and don't deserve happiness.
I'm absolutely not saying there aren't exceptions. I'm just saying, this is the general way it works. People are so clueless to this. I still have some friends and family who talk to my ex all the time like it's no big deal. Guess what, you failed at breakup school. You're on my team, remember? (And not that we're keeping score, but... we are, and my team definitely won that breakup, so... you want to be on my team anyway.) Telling him they miss him, wishing him a happy birthday... hey, guys, I'm here, and I see it. It feels like crap when you do that! Just saying.
Having to choose between the parties after a breakup sucks. But, it's a fact of life. I'm appalled at how unfamiliar people are with the process of a breakup. Just a few simple rules to follow that apply to nearly all breakup scenarios...
1. If you were friends with the girl before the relationship started, and they breakup, you remain friends with the girl and... sorry, you, too, breakup with the guy (or vice versa). Pretty straight forward.
2. If you were part of the relationship, you can't really be super close with the family anymore. This also includes his friends, pets, co-workers, and belongings. Just not appropriate, especially after your ex gets a new significant other. Which will happen, even though we BOTH know they suck at life and don't deserve happiness.
I'm absolutely not saying there aren't exceptions. I'm just saying, this is the general way it works. People are so clueless to this. I still have some friends and family who talk to my ex all the time like it's no big deal. Guess what, you failed at breakup school. You're on my team, remember? (And not that we're keeping score, but... we are, and my team definitely won that breakup, so... you want to be on my team anyway.) Telling him they miss him, wishing him a happy birthday... hey, guys, I'm here, and I see it. It feels like crap when you do that! Just saying.
It definitely gets sticky if you were EQUAL friends with both of them, or if your friend is the one who went bananas which caused the breakup, or if you are married/in a relationship and the guys are friends and the girls are friends, etc. I am not saying it's black & white every single time. But when it can be, it should be! Girls are PRETTY good at getting this right, especially with their own girlfriends. Most of the time it's the guys who are clueless. I know a guy who his friends not only hang out with the ex on occasion (not only is she NOT their original friend but she caused the breakup), but he even has a friend who hooked up with and dated that same ex. WHAT? Against all rules completely. Clearly not a real friend and DEFINITELY clueless to the bro code.
When I refer to "sides", I'm not talking about who is right and who is wrong. Your girlfriend could be TOTALLY wrong! I had a friend who had an affair and split up her marriage. (Not saying there weren't other factors, but that was pretty much the nail in the coffin I would say) But... guess what, she's still my friend. Her ex-husband is a sweet guy and I like him, but she was my friend first. Still is my friend! If I was choosing sides on right and wrong, it might be different, but I'm not here to pass judgment, I'm here to be a friend during and through a breakup. People are generally hard enough on themselves anyway. I don't call up the ex and say, hey, how are you, wanna hang out? I call my friend and ask her those things. SHE is my side!
The thing about it is, breakups SUCK. Nobody likes them, everybody knows they are horrible, some people are afraid to even get into relationships because of how horrible a future breakup COULD be. Your friends and family are what usually help you the most after your breakup. Why in the world would you want to make it worse by being wishy washy? Don't make a bad situation worse. Yeah, some of my friends ex's I really liked. And I still think, man they were a lot of fun. My ex's families? Heck yeah, loved them. Still love them. But it's not my place to call them up and be like, "let's have a girls weekend!" I would love to do that, but we've all moved on, because that's the breakup circle of life. You choose your side and you stick with it. They have their family, I have mine. If my ex wants to disown his family, I'll take them :) But... sadly, they are his. And I have to accept that, because... WE BROKE UP.
When I refer to "sides", I'm not talking about who is right and who is wrong. Your girlfriend could be TOTALLY wrong! I had a friend who had an affair and split up her marriage. (Not saying there weren't other factors, but that was pretty much the nail in the coffin I would say) But... guess what, she's still my friend. Her ex-husband is a sweet guy and I like him, but she was my friend first. Still is my friend! If I was choosing sides on right and wrong, it might be different, but I'm not here to pass judgment, I'm here to be a friend during and through a breakup. People are generally hard enough on themselves anyway. I don't call up the ex and say, hey, how are you, wanna hang out? I call my friend and ask her those things. SHE is my side!
The thing about it is, breakups SUCK. Nobody likes them, everybody knows they are horrible, some people are afraid to even get into relationships because of how horrible a future breakup COULD be. Your friends and family are what usually help you the most after your breakup. Why in the world would you want to make it worse by being wishy washy? Don't make a bad situation worse. Yeah, some of my friends ex's I really liked. And I still think, man they were a lot of fun. My ex's families? Heck yeah, loved them. Still love them. But it's not my place to call them up and be like, "let's have a girls weekend!" I would love to do that, but we've all moved on, because that's the breakup circle of life. You choose your side and you stick with it. They have their family, I have mine. If my ex wants to disown his family, I'll take them :) But... sadly, they are his. And I have to accept that, because... WE BROKE UP.
I agree and then I don't. In your significant others perspective on ex I would say HELL YEAH. That psycho needs to take a leap. However I have had some situations where I had to get a long with my ex's and my boyfriends ex's. But like I said situations. For instance when my son's father and I were dating. His ex who also had his daughter was very demanding of his time. Although I hated it and thought it was a bit over board I decided I need to still get along with her for the kids sake after all they were half brother and sister. It doesn't benefit anyone to be crazy with the ex especially if you have kids. I see it this way. People asked me why I could invite her over or hang out and to me the answer was because I was secure with everything. I knew it was over, he knew it was over although she may have not I knew that my boyfriend was with me which then made it easier to accept her in. Another situation is my son's God mother. She is my ex's mom. Before he and I broke up I had got a job with her at the State and what was I suppose to do. No you can't have those reports because you are my ex's mom... After work happy hours and mutual good friends made us very close. Eventually I was going to holiday parties and soon my ex's wedding. Again I see it as we are over and I am okay with that. My ex wasn't ment to be with me and I tell him thank God he found his soon to be wife because she is perfect for him. I see this clearly because I am not jealous of him and understand it would never work. However his mom was a huge influence in my life and I thank God for her every day. My ex knows this too and understands my relationship with her. In addition my ex's mom hangs out with her husbands ex girlfriend all the time. After her husband and his ex split she met him and the ex ended up dating one of his now close friends. They hang out, party and go camping because they are all secure in their relationships and know who they want to be with. I do understand where you are coming from but I guess there are a few instances when those circumstances are just different and I guess I didn't want someone to think it was bad or wrong.
ReplyDeleteLike I said, it's not always black & white. KIDS especially make it gray, no doubt about that! My mom is still very close with my ex. I'm definitely not comfortable with it, but I'm in a situation where I have no choice but to accept it. I mostly feel badly for my current boyfriend that he has to deal with that situation. It's just one of those things, the tangled webs we weave! Thanks for your comment :)
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